Better to Give Than to Receive

Some people look at the world through a very transactional, and fairly adversarial, lens. Dog eat Dog. Every man (or woman) for themself. No good deed goes unpunished. Why should I help them if they haven't done anything for me? Every one of these attitudes builds walls, not connections. And every one of them lessens the chances that someone will go out of their way to help you in the future. Set yourself up for success by avoiding these attitudes, and instead embracing a more Pay it Forward mentality. You will quickly find that people react better to you, and doors open that you didn't even know were there to walk through.

Giving In a Professional Setting

Giving as a professional might mean any number of different activities. Sometimes, it is quite literally giving someone something tangible. In the case of money, for example, this could be a loan or an investment. It could be giving them an opportunity to win your business, such as taking a meeting or starting a trial. It could be giving someone help in the form of labor or effort. It could be giving someone an introduction or a reference, which is giving them credibility or connection. It could be giving them time or a listening ear or opinions or ideas. All of these are forms of things you can give to another person in a professional setting, and there are many other ways to give.

Sometimes, what you are giving is offered up at great cost. It might be difficult for you to do, or very time consuming, or costly in other ways. These are big gestures, and people will appreciate them accordingly. But, other times, the thing you give means very little to you, but a lot to the other person. Making a call on someone's behalf when they are really struggling can be life changing to them, but it was a few minutes on the phone for you. If you have a lot of money, then a small loan might mean very little to you, but let someone else get a business off the ground that they couldn't afford otherwise. So there definitely can be an asymmetry in how you view what you are giving versus how the recipient views it. And you do sometimes need to be aware of this, as giving "too much" can make someone uncomfortable, and that can be detrimental to a relationship as well. So do be aware of the relative value of what you are offering, and how the other person will perceive it. Try to give at a level that will be appreciated without seeming like it is showy or over-the-top.

In each of these situations, you offer up something of yours, such as time, energy, money, effort, consideration, to another person. And specifically, for this really to qualify as "giving", you have to do without some expectation of an immediate and commensurate return. This is not a transaction. They didn't "buy" this thing from you through exchange for something else. They simply asked, and you obliged, or you offered and they accepted. The fact that it is not immediately compensated for is critical to the nature of the act, because it engenders a very specific reaction in the recipient - gratitude.

The Silent Ledger

Every person you interact with, whether they try to or not, has an internal ledger for their relationship with you. Now, most people aren't doing a strict accounting and saying, for example, "I did 3 things for them and they only did 1 thing for me". But, they do have a general idea of whether you are a "giver" or a "taker". That reputation develops over time, and across many interactions. But, once you have the reputation one way or the other, it does tend to stick with you. And people do share those impressions when they talk about you. If you are notoriously stingy with your time or money or energy, people notice. On the other hand, if you are extremely generous, people will talk about that too. It is definitely better to fall in one camp than the other.

So how do you affect this ledger? Lead with generosity. Don't wait for someone to do something for you first. When you meet someone for the first time, learn about what interests them and what their needs are, and look for ways that you can help them. Don't approach the situation from the direction of what you can get from the relationship, but rather what you can give. That shift in perspective and approach will show up in how you communicate, how you ask about them, and how you follow up. In every new interaction I try to see if there is anything I can offer this person. Even if we ultimately don't end up working together, I also always leave the interaction with a "don't hesitate to reach out if there is anything I can do for you". Even that closing leaves a good last impression of the interaction, so they walk away feeling good about me.

For people that I really like and really want to help, I usually go a step further. I make notes about those people and what they are doing and what they are interested in. This creates opportunities for me to recognize opportunities for giving in the future. Perhaps someone offers me an opportunity for a job, or a business, or an investment, but it isn't a fit for me. The next question that usually follows is, "Well, do you know anyone else who might be interested?". This is a great opportunity for me to give to two people, the person who has the opportunity and is looking for someone, and the person I can refer them to. Both people will view me favorably for having made the connection. In this instance, the thing I am giving is effort, to reach out, connection to the person I referred, and credibility to the person who is offering the opportunity. These are all intangible benefits I can confer.

And If You Don't or Can't?

Sometimes you are simply not in a position to give. You might be very early in your career or role, and not have a huge network, or money, or time, or any of the things that you think this person might need. And that may be true at some points in your life and not in others. When you find yourself barely above water yourself, sometimes you need help more than you give it, and that is okay. You can't help others if the cost to yourself is too high, and self-care is important. But even in these situations, signaling that you can't help right now, but that you are willing and open to in the future is already a great move. And sometimes, as mentioned above, what someone needs might be something very inexpensive or trivial for you, even if it is something the other person can't do for themselves. It could be just listening to them, or offering support, or ideas. These things are small gestures, but the willingness to do them shows character, and that is a great first step.

On the other hand, if you simply don't want to help, that attitude has its consequences. As Ebenezer Scrooge eventually learned, being cold-hearted and miserly can leave you lonely and unhappy. If you are always about what someone can do for you, and always trying to get yours first, you will quickly find that nobody is offering. And that reputation will follow you from job to job, and will close doors before you even get to see them.

And it's not just people who don't give at all. As already mentioned, if you only seem willing to give in exchange for something or you expect that someone else has taken the first step, they will notice. If your first reaction is "what have you ever done for me?" then they likely won't ever do for you. By the same token, when you find yourself dealing with a "taker" who never seems willing to do anything for others, then it may be appropriate to act accordingly, and be less willing to help in the future.

Conclusion

The dynamics of the "giver" vs the "taker" are core to a lot of human relationship dynamics. If you start from a "giver's" attitude, that Pay it Forward mentality will be reflected back to you by those around you. If you start from a "taker's" attitude, that attitude will also be reflected back to you, and it can be a harsh dose of reality. So take the time in all of your relationships to be the initiator for giving and generosity, and it will find its way back.